Heres great work of satire by our friend and mentor Riki Mathews. Check our her blog, The Trickster Tells.
Joyful and triumphant
O come Ye, O come Ye to the altar,
of the al mighty dollar
O come let us adore it
O come let us adore it
O come let us adore it
Money, and, Our Lord
Let me preach it, brothers and sisters! Are we losing our faith? Have we forgotten the power of our joint saviors so intertwined that we have stamped “In God We Trust” on our money. A religious revival after the Civil War got the ball rolling, and we persevered. That’s what Christians do! And so finally, threatened by “Godless Communism,” as one particularly pious letter asked, “ … relieve us from the ignominy of heathenish. This would place us openly under the Divine protection we have personally claimed. From my heart I have felt our national shame in disowning God as not the least of our present national disasters.” Congress concurred because “In these days when imperialistic and materialistic Communism seeks to attack and destroy freedom, it is proper” to “remind all of us of this self-evident truth” that “as long as this country trusts in God, it will prevail.”
Now, just because our founding fathers did not do so from the beginning does not mean that they disagreed! Just because the Constitution never once mentions God and the Bill of Rights strictly calls for the separation of church and state does not mean they intended us to leave God out. Absolutely not! Don’t you believe that factual mumbo jumbo for one minute. And never you mind that the most significant founding fathers wrote that they were Deists, believing only in a prime mover that had no personal engagement with us! And you can just ignore all the letters and treaties and statements they wrote saying how much damage Christianity did to freedom. You only have to remember one thing: like God, they meant it all to test our faith and see if we would persevere in spite of all the facts to the contrary. Why, it’s just like testing our faith with all the garbage manufactured by the scientific community to get us to believe the Earth wasn’t created in seven days when we know it sure as all get out was. Or in attempting to convince us that global warming is an issue. We know that faith conquers all and that God works in mysterious ways so we just have to trust. And for our trust, God provides protection.
Is this not why we pray, pray for divine salvation and protection from our enemies? Our spiritual leaders know the heavy prices for building proper churches, that Glory must be displayed according to its power, and that takes money, money to establish a hierarchy, to outfit a bishop in the style his faith tells him he’s due, to hang a gaggle of golden crosses around the Pope’s neck—and wield the power to make and take down governments. We have been instructed to tithe, to give one-tenth of our income. (Never mind the minor abuses over selling indulgences and other matters throughout initial history of the Catholic Church. After all, we all make mistakes. Oh, and some of those televangelists who mismanaged the funds; I know that God has them crying out with pain and suffering in hell as we speak.) The Bible tells us that this ten percent of our income belongs to the Lord (Leviticus 27:30). A person is stealing from God (Malachi 3:8) if he fails to give to his church hierarchy so that it may be used for the purposes of church support and growth.
Even Mormons must give this amount to the church or they may be barred from temples where ceremonies take place. And I openly applaud those evangelical Protestant churches that require new members to sign covenants, promising to tithe or give generously. And those who openly refuse to tithe should indeed be denied leadership roles or asked to leave the congregation. As God is my witness, I can say Steve Sorensen, director of pastoral ministries at Cornerstone, acts righteously when his church demands its paid and volunteer leaders to tithe, and teaches new members to do so, with or without proof of income. “When you tithe, God makes promises to us, that He … is not going to let anything bad or destructive come about,” says Mr. Sorensen. For those who don’t tithe, he states, the Lord “is not obligated to do those things for you.” Sorensen is right, true believers; he is right, and he is practicing God’s justice. “In God We Trust”; it’s on our money: therefore, our money belongs to God, to do God’s work. And you must give! Give down to your last dime!! For how else will Jesus know that you are with him, not against him?
What more proof do you need?
Rev. Rob Peters, trained by Crown Financial Ministries to teach parishioners to, manage debt and still make giving a priority, states, “When they obey His word, that is to give, God creates opportunities supernaturally for them to save more and spend less.” A true miracle: giving to the church rose 31% the first year the classes were taught compared with the year before. Of course some members objected, but just as God does not show mercy if we do not do His bidding, neither did the church, quoting stern scripture from Hebrews 13:17: “Obey your leaders, and submit to them; for they keep watch over your souls; as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you.” The key word, as I’m sure my God-fearing worshipers have discerned, is profit. In obeying the Lord we will profit.
We know in our hearts, people, that our God is a vengeful God, that our God is an “eye for an eye” God, a tit-for-tat God, who rewards the golden-tongued preachers who trust in money: Cadillacs, silk suits, multi-million dollar houses…
God bestows his gifts on the wealthy; just look around you—at the CEOs, the politicians, the judges that have heard the word and listened to the money of the Focus on the Family Action lobbying arm (Praise be!, they raised $9 million in only 6 months) or American Family Association or any of our other vigorous, vital, well-funded action networks. We, and they, place their faith in the power of money, in capitalism. Oh yes, dear followers, those without faith have money, but it is Godless Money, just as their politics are Godless communism or Godless socialist democracies or some other offshoot, but most certainly not God Blessed Capitalism, and in time, they will suffer. Now I’m sure some of you are confused right now as to what the difference is, given the lies you have been told by various leftists that try to undermine our great country, pointing out that in reality we are a “representative republic.” [“A government under the rule of people acting on the behalf of and, to a lesser extent, in the interests of the voting blocks by which they were elected.”] And others who try to confound your senses claiming that capitalism is the economic system and the two, as those of little faith would have you believe, do not go together like peanut butter and jelly or ham and cheese or a hamburger and fries.
Shock time. Breath, breath, breath. Shake your head. (Lies I tell you! Words of the devil! Ignore them when they ask why the conventional wisdom that if we export capitalism, democracy will follow hasn’t worked.)
Faith in God and Money has made us Great, has built this country. Desire for money is good; money is the incentive that makes us produce, for without the fear of where our next meal is coming from, we would just be lazy bums, slothful and weak. And that is why we must resist universal healthcare, taxes on God’s chosen rich, spending collectively to keep education public, to fund the FDA, or any other watchdog agencies and other such dangerous socialist notions. It is fear that keeps us from giving in to our vile natures, fear that forces us to deserve healthcare, to deserve education, to deserve a job, to turn to God to protect us from salmonella in our food supply, and so on. Just look at filthy socialism [the economic system of “social and economic equality, collective and public control of productive capital and natural resources”]. It has produced happy, guilt-free, high-quality-of-life, little debt, universal healthcare, democratic nations.
Godless nations I tell you! For only those who do not believe in the Christian God could possibly think themselves happy! A proper Christian knows he is full of sin, that his nature is evil and base and that only through prostrating himself before God, begging for forgiveness, and trusting in what money can buy may he even hope to possibly avoid God’s wrath and hell. Enjoying their work? Enjoying a high standard of living? Enjoying quality medical care? Living without fear? Spending more of their national budget on foreign aid than the less than one half of one percent that we do? This is Godless I repeat! GODLESS!!! Sacrilege—it isn’t capitalism.
And China with its strong economy based on buying our debt and our high consumption of their goods. So they aren’t democratic yet. And they have human rights violations that God cannot forgive, unlike us, a Christian nation. Have faith. That’s what religion—and money are for—to have faith. We will buy this country and then we can force God’s agenda on everyone living there, just as we are here. Just as we have bought judges to break down the barriers between church and state, bought politicians to pass bills so we control what a woman can do with her body and who we can discriminate against, bought preachers to scare their flocks into voting the right way…
And the liberal-commie-peace-tolerance Christians that don’t agree? We will eradicate them; we need a crusade to bring us together. And have faith, God is always on our side, as is Jesus: Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace but a sword. -Matthew 10:34 (KJV)
September 27, 2008 - Posted by Metro State Atheists | Bible, Christianity, Politics, religion, Satire | Bill of Rights, Capitalism, Christianity, Church and State, Communism, Constitution, Crown Financial Ministries, Deism, Dollar, Eye for an eye, Faith, Founding Fathers, Freedom, god, Godless Communism, Godless Money, Godless socialists, Healthcare, Hebrews, Holy Money, Human Rights Violations, In God We Trust, Jesus, Leviticus, Lord, Malachi, Matthew, Money, Mormons, Nationalism, Poetry, Politics, religion, Rob Peters, Satire, socialism
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