A Modern Proposal
(For Preventing The Children of Poor or Unrighteous People in the United States From Being A Burden to Their Christian and Wealthy Brethren and Country, and Instead Making Them Beneficial to the Public)
It is such a sad affair, at the beginning of this 21st century, to travel within the city and its surrounding urban districts and find oneself assaulted by the vast numbers of homeless, especially the rapidly increasingly number of women—homeless or not—with their children and swollen bellies. At least two in five children live below the poverty line, and with the absolutely necessary wage depressions placed upon the middle class, leading to further growth among the poor, along with the corresponding taxation, which I wholeheartedly agree that the government is most correct in applying (far be if for me to question the wisdom of the policies our most astute leaders see wisest to institute). And of course we must reward our most successful citizens with permanent tax cuts and not help those who cannot help themselves. After all, it’s a well-known fact that those who have absolutely nothing can most certainly pull themselves up from nothing using nothing.
Even within the schools, whose moral duties are to protect our young before they reach the age of taking on adult responsibilities, I have seen horrifying signs of the young bearing their own young. And the numbers of poor continue to surge among them, growing numbers of unaccompanied, wild youth, no matter how hard we try to instill morally true messages and admonish them to honor their parents! Why, just a few years ago the number of homeless youth ranging the country was swelling in numbers of over 300,000 a year! I cannot convey the staggering consequences put upon this country from these numbers of uneducated, unprepared children—fleeing, I am told, alleged conditions such as sexual and physical abuse, economic instability and merely leaving parents who simply did not care, of which I am sure these incorrigible youth must be deliberately committing perjury.
I have taken on the task of questioning many of these poor, pregnant and/or already mothers and unknowing fathers at tender teen ages. It seems that many, despite our excellent education exhorting abstinence only and quite wisely keeping from these indiscrete youth the knowledge of preventing pregnancy in order to uphold the sanctity of marriage, gave in to their lust despite the consequences and the numerous admonitions given and disciplinary measures taken by their parents and preachers. In keeping with our country’s policy that our children are best kept ignorant of the sordid processes behind the making of babies and be raised to see procreation in the service of God and matrimony, I most certainly cannot declare myself in favor of changing this course as it is indeed in keeping with the best values of Christianity and morality itself. And I do understand that in order to maintain the purity and sanctity of life that we hold so dear we cannot teach these poor young women about birth control or ever allow them access to it or, heaven forbid, abortion. Yet faced with the prodigious numbers mounting here that they do not have in ungodly, socialist Europe, I have spent many years as the tragedies compound, bending my mind to various solutions.
And so now, I find myself in a position of offering a proposal that would be palatable and acceptable within our Godly commitments to protect the unborn souls and yet not allow the born offspring to become a burden upon those families that either cannot care for them or those that do not deserve them nor the society that must not provide medical care, jobs, social programs, counseling, or other unchristian help to those who have disobeyed God and country in this matter.
Something must obviously be done to intervene at an early age to keep these children from growing up to be the homeless and miscreants burdening our society or repeating the mistakes of their mothers of having children outside marriage (it is a fact that this is indeed a typical pattern). Now I have studied and thought long and hard before staking a claim on a possible solution, and I want to make sure that my critics understand that I have nothing to gain from my proposal. Since I am now a retired teacher, I would not be profiting in smaller class sizes that would be created nor could I benefit since I am not married and so given my Christian upbringing would never have a child out of wedlock to try and make a few dollars from my proposal. I do understand that my proposal will not help things immediately, but we are in need of long-term preventive measures, given that we cannot allow a continually growing population of poor old people past their working prime to burden those among us who pay their our way, and this will indeed solve such nagging concerns from occurring in the future.
Since our country is so beholden to the rich for their patronage of our goods, as well as the powerful corporations that have built such wondrous empires upon our own and other soils, my suggestion is basically for them to take up the gauntlet of this cause to save our country and to increase the wealth of those who truly deserve it. I am now going on knowledge acquired by others that the tender flesh of young babies is of the highest quality in taste and protein (J. Swift). I therefore submit that those approximate 1.3 million abortions now being performed per year that will most thankfully and assuredly come to a halt through the efforts of our Evangelical brother Alito upon the Supreme Court bench, and the other thousands of children born from lust and the inability to abstain from disgusting carnal pursuits may now lend a noble hand to the continuation of this country and bring just punishment upon their thoughtless, criminal parents as is befitting a just God. I submit that these babies, after having been breast fed for a year, be sold to the finest restaurant chains and meat companies in the United States to become as fine a delicacy as caviar: home grown, cured, packaged, and dressed all by US businesses for consumption by those in our society so deserving through their wealth and Christian living (such wealth seen as a reward from heaven for their service to the Lord) and by any others our most illustrious leaders see fit to provide this cuisine to.
Surely, in this way, we may stimulate the economy (which we all know so dreadfully needs it) without encroaching upon the just wealth or our richest citizens and corporations; rid ourselves of the pestilence of the poor, unwed, homeless, criminal, immoral elements: shower further favor upon the elite; punish the unrighteous; and cleanse this country of its sins in the eyes of the Lord and so make our peace with the Almighty before He decides to totally destroy us as He has most recently showed in the rash of floods, hurricanes, and earthquakes He has been sending of late as warnings to our shore to mend our unholy ways.
Certainly there will be critics of this proposed action, but I am most amenable to other solutions if anyone can think of something that will take care of as many facets of the problem as this proposal does; in that instance, I will most wholeheartedly lend them my mind and ear. Until then, though, I feel we must urgently move forward and adopt this proposal to stem the tide that is overwhelming society. I can only call attention again to the numbers I have already given that have grown further in the last few years to point out that something needs be done at once (and let us not forget the burgeoning prison population—with the highest per capita incarceration rate of any country in the world—that that is another blight upon our sacred society).
Now, I must admit that I owe my solution to a greater mind than my own, a man who first thought of this more than one hundred years ago, and so I must rest on his laurels: chaplain Swift. And so, you see, I cannot even claim honor or recognition for my proposal, only for putting it forth once again in these trying times. I just must thank the Lord for giving us such a brilliant mind as chaplain Swift’s.
By riki mathews, The Trickster
October 9, 2008 - Posted by Metro State Atheists | Christianity, Politics, Satire, The Trickster | A Modern Proposal, A Modest Proposal, Abortion, Abuse, Children, Christian, Country, Criminal, Economics, Europe, Evangelical, Fiction, god, God's Punishment, God's Wrath, Heaven, Homeless, Immorality, J. Swift, Literature, Lord, Lust, Moral Duty, Morality, Natural Disasters, Politics, Poor, Poverty, Pregnancy, Procreation, Proposal, Riki Mathews, Sancitity of Marriage, Satire, socialism, Socialist, The Trickster, Unholy, United States
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